At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Found the puke drawer
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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