he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize