I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
