I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
