by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize