1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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