Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
