You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize