you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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