just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
