it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
