I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
