The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
as a side note pls kill me
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
