Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
