PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
