Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
