I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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