No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
