I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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