It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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