I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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