new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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