3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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