My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
