Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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