alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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