i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize