Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
