Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
