So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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