I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize