checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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