ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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