I wish my penis had an off switch
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
