my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I currently don't understand fingers.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
