Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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