Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
