I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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