yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
