the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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