I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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