I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We left the knife in your bed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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