Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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