i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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