My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
