The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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