I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
