Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
