Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
