you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
