You made me cry and you don't even care
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
