I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
