He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
