epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
