I am spending my child support on dildos
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
