i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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