Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
