So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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