I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
