At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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