i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize