So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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