matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Two words: nipple clamps
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